Over the last few years, I've been on a journey.  Let my flow take me to the new discoveries I've needed at the time.  Over the last few months however, I've been putting a lot more effort into discovering tools and learning techniques in dealing with every day life.

I enrolled in yoga teacher training, and began seeking help from a therapist.  I knew there were things I was dealing with on a daily basis; I felt like I had a few roadblocks in the way of living a truly fulfilling life.  Before this I really had no way to identify a need inside of me.  I was typically a large jumble of emotions, never feeling like anything I did or anyone else did would be enough.  I felt unloveable.  I had an insatiable appetite for more.   More life, more breath, more chinese food, more anything that I could get my hands on.  I was always waiting for what was coming next, what was around the corner.  I had two coping mechanisms that had helped me get through some major life trials:  suppression and numbing.  My brain had gotten stuck on using these coping skills in almost every light stressor.  I realized that I wanted to branch out to learn different coping techniques.  And can say "thank you" to the coping mechanisms I've had in the past, because they helped me get through many many trials.  But as other survivors of trauma with PTSD can attest, I'm seeking ways to find other coping mechanisms.  

I feel like I've spent a lot of time building bricks and foundation.   So far, I've been learning little things here and there.  Things like; yoga is my grounding balance.  Harry Potter can always distract from reality.  Best friends will always be a phone call away.  It's okay to reach out to others.  Chinese food is a coping mechanism.  Puppies are a coping mechanism.  Bubble Baths can be refilled over and over once hot water replenishes.  Sunshine is happy.  I am surrounded by love.  I am a powerful sorcerous.  The water will always call my name.  Going real fast on a road or dirt makes me feel alive.  Puppies love to lick tears.  A good cry feels AMAZING.  Getting a tattoo or my hair done makes me feel fresh.  Sometimes sleeping pills are necessary.  Buffy the Vampire Slayer always makes me feel empowered.  Protein drinks are powerful for when you have no appetite.  Purple and blue are my favorite nail colors.  I like to clean naked.  I lose myself in service.

All of these bricks and foundation are starting to find their home in the path that I'm building.  I'm starting to know when I need certain things.  Starting to pave that path with these valuable bricks I've been spending years making.

The greatest lesson that I've learned from a few months of therapy has been to stop judging everything I do.  I'm learning I don't have to try to validate or justify my own feelings and emotions.  They're my feelings and emotions.   I'm starting to be able to identify a need when it comes up, and I have some pretty awesome tools to use when that happens.  When I'm confronted with something negative, instead of hiding or shutting down (as was a way of coping in the past), here's the new gameplan (that will take a LOT of work).  (with strategies taught by Thich Nhat Hanh with an added "Amanda Grace" twist)
1) Say hello to this need and emotion.  Get REALLY curious, and honor that emotion.  (and realize that now might be a time to step away from a conversation until I can get my emotions back to a rational realm.  "Oh hello, abandonment button, let me take a moment to get really comfortable with you.")
2) Get to know the thought or emotion-- is it anxiety about the future, self-judging, bad memories?  Become very clear on the specific upset by identifying the exact thought that's adding discomfort.
3) After getting to know the thought, figure out the exact emotions that come up when I think of that.  What do they feel like?  Is my chest tightening?  Is my stomach turning?  Where is my breathing?
4) Once clearly identified, close my eyes (if appropriate) and put a picture to those thoughts.  Do they create colors, shapes, figures?  Are they abstract or clear?  It's important to let the thoughts and emotions create this imagery while I become aware of what they are.
5)BREATH (it's so much easier to suppress or distract myself from these emotions- or just think of something super positive)
6) VERY IMPORTANT.  Once I have the mental image in my thoughts and I can see what they look like (even if there's no image at all) picture myself holding the image (or lack thereof) in the way a mother holds a newborn baby.  Picture the image of my painful thought and emotion wrapped in a warm blanket, being held with very loving care closely to my heart, and extend these feelings and thoughts my very sincerest of compassions from my heart center.
7) Mentally, (or verbally) I'll say to the image that I know it's there and I promise to care for and hold it with compassion until it's ready to go, said from a very sincere place in my heart.

Through bringing our attention to the image of our painful thoughts and emotions, and tending to it with an open heart, we're doing the most natural thing we can -- -expressing LOVE.  Instead of ostracizing our uncomfortable thoughts and emotions and their unpleasant effects, we show them pure love, complete and inclusive love.  It's a love they've never known before.

After taking this process to recognize my feelings and needs, it's then time to show myself a little bit of self love, by using one of the bricks of strength I've been building.  Hop in the bathtub, cuddle some puppies, call on a friend, ask for something that I need from another person, do a few yoga poses, or just drink some water.  Choose to do something that is purely out of self love that will help shift my focus in a new direction.

I have 28 years of past needs that weren't met that have a tendency to pop up with the mention of a word, a sight, even a smell.  Instead of feeling bombarded and begging those around me to fulfill those needs, I have some beautiful tools to look into that needs face and really figure out what's going on.  This is a process that I know won't be easy.  It's a path that I know I'll be slow on, and fall off at times.  It's a path that feels has been brought into my life when I'm ready and needing a new way to cope and heal.