This is going to be a very sensitive blog for me. One that's been in the making for the past 8 years of my life. As time passes, I become more and more firm in the belief that the decision I'm making is correct. I've spent much time reading, listening, talking, meditating, praying, and contemplating. This decision is one that will surely cause tears in some of those in my life. One that has caused far more tears in me then I have ever thought it would. It was a painful decision. A very well thought out decision. One that I did not rush in to. A decision, where the longer and deeper I thought about it, the more pain, and then peacefulness I've felt. The decision has been made. And now I'm dealing with the pain in the aftermath. Not pain in my heart, but the pain I know it will cause others. This is what's causing me pain. I know that this was the right decision for me, I haven't ever been at more peace, or had more happiness. I need this to be communicated clearly to my family. I want to communicate my true thoughts and feelings to everyone before the rumors begin to spread. I'm hopeful that untrue, hurtful rumors won't spread, however it's something I understand may happen. I ask everyone to listen to me and avoid casting judgement. I need my family to know the reason why I've chosen this, and I want them to understand I do know exactly what this may cause. I'm preparing for the worst, hoping for the best. I know that this decision has the potential to alienate me from those I love, those I grew up with, and those around me. I understand this risk.
I've left the LDS church. I've left the church that my entire family has based their whole lives on. I've deserted the faith that was instilled in me from the very beginning. My whole world as I used to know it has crashed down on me. I want it to be completely understood that I am not one bit bitter for being in the church. I am NOT an anti-mormon. I did not leave the church due to disagreement with another member, due to being offended, because I want to be "rebellious" and not follow the commandments, for my want to "sin", nor for lack of faith in God. I have simply come to the very sad realization that the church is not what it claims to be, that its doctrine is false, and that the LDS church is not where I wish to be. In Hamlet, Polonius gave his son the advice, "This above all, -- To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." For me, in being true to myself, I cannot "live a lie." Therefore, I can't align myself with the Mormon religion, even though it does have some beneficial teachings and enjoyable social experiences. I am VERY grateful for the way I was raised, and for the amazing family I have. I'm grateful for the seed of service that the church taught me from an early age, that has helped me become a beautiful person. I want you to know that I am not "Godless". I am more spiritual now then I have ever been in my entire life. I'm making this choice on my own. I believe that there is a "higher power", that is not easily defined, and effects our lives in every possible way. I also believe that no one has the right to tell anyone else that their way of worship is incorrect. This has caused far too much pain, misunderstanding, and even death in this world. I'm a firm believer of respect.
The Eleventh Article of Faith states that the church allows all men the same privilege--to let everyone worship how, where, or what they may. I feel strongly about this for everyone. I will not talk to any of you about my beliefs or church history unless you ask about it first. And I hope that you will not preach Mormonism to me, unless I ask about it. I am sorry if I have let any of you down, or have "forgotten" who I am. I assure you that I am the same person you knew before, and I am constantly trying to better myself. "I must see my life as a work in progress, nothing about me is ever final".
What I fear is that I will be known in my family as the "apostate". That I will be talked down upon. I'm scared that I'll lose connections with cousins, and more importantly my own siblings. I know that this has caused quite a lot of hurt in my parents. I am reminded every time I talk to my mother (which is become less and less frequent) of the failure she feels she's done at raising me. I want nothing more than for her to realize she did an amazing job at raising me. I'm a strong, beautiful, and caring member of our society. I love and give respect to everyone. I'm non-judgemental and long to serve my fellowman. I know that we can get along, grow, respect each other's differences, socialize, and have happiness in this life we live in. Remember that we are nothing more than the sum of our experiences. You are, always and forever, in the moment of pure creation. The point of life is therefore to create--who and what you are, and then to experience that. And believe it or not, happiness does exist outside of the church; because the Mormons do not have the monopoly on truth. I urge you to listen to your feelings. Listen to your highest thoughts. Listen to your experiences. In doing so we will all find our own truth. These are the things we should rely on--our own truth, knowledge, and experiences The purpose of the human soul is to experience all of it--so that it can be all of it. I look forward to every new experience.
Religion shouldn't be the only glue that holds a family together. I am and will always be your loving sister, cousin, niece, aunt, and friend. I will always have respect and love for you, as I know God will as well. I just hope to have the same from you. If I don't however, I know that I will continue to be the person I am, and be very proud of who I'm constantly becoming.
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