"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
— Bob Marley

This is a song that I performed with the Madrigals in High School.... also Kev and I like to sing it whenever we get together because he knows the tenor, and I know the soprano parts-- pretty dang beautiful! Right now, this song seems to be capturing a lot of how I'm feeling. Basically I've been hurt, quite badly before. And in the end, everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who's worth it. That's where I'm at right now. I know that letting myself continue to "fall" for Mike has the chance of ending in heart ache. However with every minute I spend with him lately I seem to be more and more grateful for him, more and more happy, and the feelings are going deeper and deeper. I see a future that is brighter than I ever imagined for myself. So this is where I'm at. Do I put my heart in his hands? If he chooses to have it, it's his to break. That is a very nerve racking thing for someone who's had relationship problems in the past! (and it's actually the same spot Mike's at). I am not going to rush things, I'm going to wait for MY heart to tell me when I'm ready to take that chance. And when I AM ready to give it completely to him, maybe he'll be ready too. I'm going to enjoy what's in front of me right now... not hold back, but not push. Let it happen :)

I think I'm going to learn how to play it on the piano :)


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Why is it that my blog always has something to do with a silly boy lately? Oh that's right, because my life revolves around them! I'm trying to find a balance between enjoying dating and getting enough time to myself. I think that may be a big reason that I don't ever seem to be happy with my "romantic" situation. I have to convince myself that I'm happy, but deep down I haven't found that balance yet. Yes, I'm still dating Mike. I adore the heck out of him. But he's a little confused as to what he wants out of dating, as am I. He can't seem to figure out if he wants to date, be friends, or be in a relationship with me. We're currently back in the dating phase of things, which honestly I'm very content with. According to my mom, he is "trigger shy" which does explain a lot about the whole "commitment thing". We're not "serious" with each other though we tend to keep each other occupied enough that we don't really have time to casually date other people. I have a few other men who have asked me out but I just haven't felt up to going out with them, though I know I could if I wanted. It's nice to be able to get to know someone without feeling the pressure a "title" brings. I've never met anyone that I've had this much in common with, or that I could do just about anything with and be happy. This weekend I went out with my new girlfriends on Friday night (dinner and a movie; yay for girls night!) then I went and played video games with Mike and his friends. Saturday we had a shopping adventure where I realized that he freaking likes to shop! How rare is that? We shopped for clothes, dishes, a bed set, and even car oil. I find it fantastic that he can change my oil, actually he was pretty adamant that he change it. That night we went to Sushi and then over to his friends house for games. Sunday he took me to lagoon on a double date... it was such a fun time! I found balance that weekend by calling it a night pretty early on Sunday and heading to my house to play rock band with my new roommate. Normally I would have stayed at Mike's until late, and even though he asked me to stay longer I knew it was better for US if I went home. I'm learning about this dating thing as I go I suppose. When I'm dating someone I tend to rely on them for quite a lot. The key is balance, just like everything else in life. Making sure I get enough "me" time.
I'm learning to be more assertive in life as well. Learning how to go for exactly what I want. Learning to not get walked on. I think a perfect example of this is Tim. I invited him back into my life a few weeks ago because I needed closure on what we went through. Of course he tried to open the door of us dating again however I was very adamant that door could never be opened again. I told him how and why he hurt me, and what I learned from him. However every time he brought up "us" or the possibility of us dating again I was very firm with the fact that I couldn't ever do that. Another example would be my new roommate. She is pulling her life back together after making some bad decisions and so she doesn't have very much of anything. Immediately when she moved in she started eating my food, wearing my clothes, and used up all of my toilet paper. I was strong enough to comminucate with her that that wasn't acceptable, however if she wanted to pay more in rent we could work something out. Normally I would let something like that happen.
I am used to letting other people's decisions drive my life. But I'm learning more and more as I mature that I'm the only driver of my life. That I make the decisions that make up the outcome. I choose who I let in to my life. I choose if I want to see Mike one night or would rather have a night to myself. Just because someone asks or expects something of me doesn't mean I need to do it. I am no one's rug, I am my own person. I will however not let this attitude effect how I show others that I care about them. Or will I let this effect the way I serve my neighbors. That's going to be my next challenge. Once I learn how to be fully assertive, not let that over take my sweet and caring nature. That's just me. I'm the sweetheart. But I can be the sweetheart AND not be the floor mat.
Just random mumblings and thoughts.....