So yeah, Mike asked me if he can take me to dinner tonight....... Just makes me think of this song: PS, I'm letting him :) (as my awesome mom said, let him buy you dinner then get on the plane, forget about him, and just have fun!)



Katy Perry, Hot n' Cold

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you PMS
Like a bitch, I would know
And you overthink
Always speak cryptically
I should know that you're no good for me

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really wanna stay, no
(You) But you don't really wanna go
Hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins, so in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout the thing
Now you're plain boring
I should know that you're not gonna change

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really wanna stay, no
(You) But you don't really wanna go
Hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of the love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes....

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
(You) You don't really wanna stay, no
(You) But you don't really wanna go
Hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."
— Bob Marley

This is a song that I performed with the Madrigals in High School.... also Kev and I like to sing it whenever we get together because he knows the tenor, and I know the soprano parts-- pretty dang beautiful! Right now, this song seems to be capturing a lot of how I'm feeling. Basically I've been hurt, quite badly before. And in the end, everyone is going to hurt you, you just have to decide who's worth it. That's where I'm at right now. I know that letting myself continue to "fall" for Mike has the chance of ending in heart ache. However with every minute I spend with him lately I seem to be more and more grateful for him, more and more happy, and the feelings are going deeper and deeper. I see a future that is brighter than I ever imagined for myself. So this is where I'm at. Do I put my heart in his hands? If he chooses to have it, it's his to break. That is a very nerve racking thing for someone who's had relationship problems in the past! (and it's actually the same spot Mike's at). I am not going to rush things, I'm going to wait for MY heart to tell me when I'm ready to take that chance. And when I AM ready to give it completely to him, maybe he'll be ready too. I'm going to enjoy what's in front of me right now... not hold back, but not push. Let it happen :)

I think I'm going to learn how to play it on the piano :)


In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
As if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

Why is it that my blog always has something to do with a silly boy lately? Oh that's right, because my life revolves around them! I'm trying to find a balance between enjoying dating and getting enough time to myself. I think that may be a big reason that I don't ever seem to be happy with my "romantic" situation. I have to convince myself that I'm happy, but deep down I haven't found that balance yet. Yes, I'm still dating Mike. I adore the heck out of him. But he's a little confused as to what he wants out of dating, as am I. He can't seem to figure out if he wants to date, be friends, or be in a relationship with me. We're currently back in the dating phase of things, which honestly I'm very content with. According to my mom, he is "trigger shy" which does explain a lot about the whole "commitment thing". We're not "serious" with each other though we tend to keep each other occupied enough that we don't really have time to casually date other people. I have a few other men who have asked me out but I just haven't felt up to going out with them, though I know I could if I wanted. It's nice to be able to get to know someone without feeling the pressure a "title" brings. I've never met anyone that I've had this much in common with, or that I could do just about anything with and be happy. This weekend I went out with my new girlfriends on Friday night (dinner and a movie; yay for girls night!) then I went and played video games with Mike and his friends. Saturday we had a shopping adventure where I realized that he freaking likes to shop! How rare is that? We shopped for clothes, dishes, a bed set, and even car oil. I find it fantastic that he can change my oil, actually he was pretty adamant that he change it. That night we went to Sushi and then over to his friends house for games. Sunday he took me to lagoon on a double date... it was such a fun time! I found balance that weekend by calling it a night pretty early on Sunday and heading to my house to play rock band with my new roommate. Normally I would have stayed at Mike's until late, and even though he asked me to stay longer I knew it was better for US if I went home. I'm learning about this dating thing as I go I suppose. When I'm dating someone I tend to rely on them for quite a lot. The key is balance, just like everything else in life. Making sure I get enough "me" time.
I'm learning to be more assertive in life as well. Learning how to go for exactly what I want. Learning to not get walked on. I think a perfect example of this is Tim. I invited him back into my life a few weeks ago because I needed closure on what we went through. Of course he tried to open the door of us dating again however I was very adamant that door could never be opened again. I told him how and why he hurt me, and what I learned from him. However every time he brought up "us" or the possibility of us dating again I was very firm with the fact that I couldn't ever do that. Another example would be my new roommate. She is pulling her life back together after making some bad decisions and so she doesn't have very much of anything. Immediately when she moved in she started eating my food, wearing my clothes, and used up all of my toilet paper. I was strong enough to comminucate with her that that wasn't acceptable, however if she wanted to pay more in rent we could work something out. Normally I would let something like that happen.
I am used to letting other people's decisions drive my life. But I'm learning more and more as I mature that I'm the only driver of my life. That I make the decisions that make up the outcome. I choose who I let in to my life. I choose if I want to see Mike one night or would rather have a night to myself. Just because someone asks or expects something of me doesn't mean I need to do it. I am no one's rug, I am my own person. I will however not let this attitude effect how I show others that I care about them. Or will I let this effect the way I serve my neighbors. That's going to be my next challenge. Once I learn how to be fully assertive, not let that over take my sweet and caring nature. That's just me. I'm the sweetheart. But I can be the sweetheart AND not be the floor mat.
Just random mumblings and thoughts.....

It's been a while so I think I should update my blog. Life is going fantastic! Staying busy, having fun, and learning lessons.
Number one on the list is that I was forced to join my company softball team GRRRRRRR We practiced twice a week all through June and August and our first game was last week. We have been slaughtered two weeks in a row. I play right field, and I'm fairly certain I should just start doing yoga while I'm out there so I'm actually getting SOMETHING done. I don't mean to be a negative nancy, but last night was a tough loss (good thing Mike was at the game and I got to spend time with him afterwords).....
Number two: I have a dear new friend Miranda who has taken me under her wing in my "single" lifestyle. We go out every weekend and meet so many new people! It's always an adventure. Whether it's cliff jumping, boating, or going out we've never NOT had the time of our lives. LOL. It's fun to finally have a girlfriend again!
Number three: Most recent love life interest..... we've only been "dating" for about two weeks but adore the pants outta this guy. He's the biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet and he has a lot of things going for him. This past week we've seen each other every day and tonight he's letting me play on his indoor soccer team! WAHOO!! So it's new, it's fun, we giggle.... a lot. I'm just enjoying the twitterpaited feeling while it lasts :)
So this is my life. Each day is PACKED with things I have going on. Tonight is soccer, tomorrow softball friday is a party and saturday is cliff diving, girls night, then after party.... man.... tough life of a single 23 year old girl :)

So as you all know I've had some serious relationship changes in the past three months. I ended things with my three year long boyfriend and within about a week had started things up with someone new. Yeah, I'd call that a big shift. My mom refers to it as a "rebound" and I do as well.... of sorts. But who's to say that a rebound can't be something more? So let me give you a quick recap of the past two months: Start dating James (cute, fun, smart, VERY positive guy), put him back in the position that Tim was in, because it just seemed natural and what I was used to. RUSHED things. Saw him almost every day. Met his family VERY quickly. Two weeks in, things still going fantastic while I'm healing over Tim. Three weeks in: his little quirks start to annoy me..... REALLY bad. Four weeks in: I put up with them to see where they might go. Five weeks in: starting to get REALLY annoyed with him and try breaking up but let him talk me into sticking it out and working out my own demons while being with him (I have weird control and communication issues that I'm working on). Six weeks in: Head over heels for him, he says he wants to marry me some day. Seven weeks in: Annoys the heck out of me, have another talk where I try to break things off but yet again end up trying to work through them. Eight weeks in: Stay with him because it's his birthday and who would dump a guy on their birthday?! Nine weeks in: I'm grumpy, mean, and just no fun to be around when I'm with him but when I get home I'm back to myself. Decide it really is time to end it after a particularly grumpy camping trip. Today: I've stuck with my decision to be single. He is very hurt that I felt now is the time for me to be single, not in a relationship. We tried doing the friends thing... it worked AWESOME for a week until he started getting jealous about me hanging out with other people. Now he's asked me to just not talk to him anymore while he can detach himself from me (which I completely understand).
So that's where I'm at. Which leaves me asking myself.... what's the point of a relationship anyways? This is not me being bitter, not by any means. I do want to get married and build a family one day. However for me right now in my life I think being single is a FANTASTIC decision. I'm enjoying the attention that I get from men around me. I think I must be putting out an "I'm single come talk to me" vibe because I've never been hit on this much! And again I just stinking love the attention. I've been on two other dates since ending things with James. Both of the guys are extremely cute, athletic, fun, and just fantastic people (and both are rich.... which let's face it... doesn't deter from me being attracted to them). LOL. However both have already asked me out again and seem to really enjoy me. This shouldn't be a bad thing right? I do fully explain before going out with someone that I'm not really looking for anything serious... not closing that door if I do find the right person... however I'm looking to just meet people and have fun. Funny thing is, is that's what I told James as well and he asked me the very first date if he could be more than just a distraction. LOL. So right now I'm just a little frustrated. I seem to connect with people VERY well. However I'm also getting VERY picky. I won't go out with someone who I really don't see things going anywhere. And with both of these recent dates I knew the exact moment when both of them had decided they really liked me. Though I just want to brag about the guy last night..... He didn't try to kiss me!!!!! Although I know for a fact that he wanted to. I dunno, but it impressed me.... I usually feel like the first kiss is pressured on me, but I didn't feel this way at all with Preston. That's why I'm going out with him again sometime this weekend :D Though he did just admit in a text message that he WANTED to kiss me. Man, I'm just LOVING being single right now. Anyways back to my frustration. How come now I'm getting all of this attention? How come I feel that I keep disappointing men because I'm not ready to be in a relationship. Grrrrrr.... How come I had to hurt James...... This is my frustration.... Sad life of a single, 23 year old blond.
PS, James just text me wanting to talk tonight... I wonder what he has decided as far as the staying friends thing goes....

Airbrush Tattoo

Bella, James, and I hiking

My new bike

My new hair (I took this picture yesterday this is my most current)

It's just barely summer and I'm already sportin a flip flop tan line! WAHOO! I've been keepin busy like mad, and I'm lovin it! I bought myself a new bicycle because I've been wanting to get into it for a while. I got a Specialized ariel sport, which is at about an intermediate range. It's a hybrid, so light enough to go on the road, and sturdy enough to take on the trails. So far I've been exploring the pathways that who would have thought it were right outside of my door. I guess I'm at the junction of the Ogden River and the Weber River, and BOTH have awesome paved pathways with beautiful routes around them. This also means that I'm connected to the city without having to ride on the road yet. I'll be honest, I'm not confident and road savy enough to compete with cars yet so I'm glad I've found these pathways. They add a few extra miles on the routes, but the beauty and safety are worth it! One goes over to riverdale, which is where most of the stores I shop are, one goes out to West Haven, and the other goes up the Ogden River to the Canyon, and who's on the other end of this parkway? Yep! James!! I can ride my bike to his house along the pathway, cool beans I must say! I've decided that I'm going to try to drive my car around the city as little as I can, basically only driving to work. I'm even going to start riding to Yoga next week after I get just a tad more experience of road driving. That means that on Monday, Wednesday, Thursdays, and Saturday I go to the gym for Yoga and Zumba and on Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday James and I will be biking around! I can not WAIT for those biker legs!
I've started a new diet/lifestyle that I describe on my other blog. So far, so good! It's based on finding a balance with your food, everything in life is categorized as yin or yang, and finding a balance is what creates a long and healthy life. There are many cancer patients who actually use this diet in means to help support their treatments. It consists mostly of plants, like whole wheat, brown rice, buckwheat, vegetables, fruits, nuts, and the occasional fish (shrimp SOMETIMES). I've been doing it for two solid weeks now, embarking on my third and I'm really enjoying it. I'm down to my lowest weight yet, and when I went to try on pants at the store I actually fit into size 5's.... that is a freaking size 5!!! Yeah I was excited. I'm finding however that I'm needing to up my food intake to keep up with my new more active lifestyle. It's all good, I've perfected vegetable fried rice, buckwheat noodle stir fry, and miso soup. I'll sometimes sneak the occasional organic Ogden grown eggs in my diet, but I keep those at a minimum. All in all, I'm pretty happy with this lifestyle and feel it's a good choice for me right now. Though I'll be honest... I miss my chicken breasts, but not as much as I once did!
So this is what I've been up to for the summer so far. Picnics, hikes, bike rides, kite-flying, and just having a good time. I must say it's really nice to have someone in my life that actually helps me and pushes me to get out and be active. Upcoming plans for the summer include: James's birthday this weekend where he's going to take home his brand new Harley Davidson, Boating with my daddy this coming Monday, Lagoon with my work, camping with friends, and lots and lots of bike riding! Man, I love me some summer fun!